qiwen.

still counting down the days

72 days, and counting.

the pressure is overwhelming, to say the least.
to be perpetually worrying over things that i shouldn’t even be thinking about,
to be perpetually coping with responsibilities beyond what any normal personnel should be carrying
to be perpetually expected to perform beyond what others have been able to dish out.
it gets disheartening, sometimes, seeing how others have such laid-back attitudes and workload,
and there i am, working my ass off.
it’s tiring, to say the least.
thinking about what’s left undone over the weekends,
finishing up loose ends of this secondary appointment over the supposed “breaks”.
it’s killing me, it really is.


it’s so difficult to give up thinking about it.
so troubled by how fragile it has become,
so worried by how i know it’s going to collapse once again.
after i’ve worked so hard to bring it to the greatest of heights,
and here we are, back to square one once again.
where are you and your promises?
if you wanted to come back and make a difference,
then where are you now?
when they need you the most, and need someone there to be there with them,
where are you?
lies.lies.lies.
so sick and tired of empty promises.
i’m not coming back,
i’m so tired of being that miracle.
every time a miracle happens, i get so tormented,
it kills me.


where are all of you?
i’ve been there when you’ve needed me the most,
through all your tears from victories,
sweat from dragging that heavy load across the corridor at night,
all those red knees, all those scratches and muscle spasms,
shielded you from your deepest fears,
pushed you up the steep mountain and tumbling down in fatigue,
everything.
where are you now?
feeling like a discarded rag doll,
a marionette, a puppet,
discard when past expiry.


wish you were here.