qiwen.

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; this is a way

don’t care if I’m down, dont care how I feel.
love you so much, that i’ll always be here.

dont worry about me, i’ll take care of you.
this is a way to say that i love you.

the unfolding events in the recent weeks have somewhat woken me up from a slumber.
life doesn’t simply present opportunities to you when you simply sit and wait for it.

after more than a decade of nerding my ass off,
and that two years in blue,
i’ve finally rested enough.
more than enough, actually.
i’ve been rotting around for a month now.
not saying that it has been entirely useless, it’s finally given me some cooling-down time to simply do nothing productive after all these years.

yet in so doing, i’ve let something i really, really wanted slip out of my hands.
i used to be so confident to be able to secure it,
imagining what i’d be doing in that room, all the creative methods to get their minds stirring,
to start off #fighterskeepfighting.

it’s all come crashing down.
i’m not sure what’s hurting me more - not being able to do what i want to,
or that inevitable ending.

reality bites you really hard.
after dedicating 5 years of my time to this place,
it couldn’t even grant me the simplest wish.
i’m not sure if i feel hatred or anger, but i’m quite certain i’ll never go back again as a mentor capacity.
i know for a fact that this is a make-or-break period for them,
and unfortunately, i’m quite certain they will finish the year empty-handed.
it will also be the beginning of a downward spiral for them.
i believe in the capabilities and the potential of the people within,
i just don’t have faith that they will have the proper guidance to continue forth.
even though i dont wish to see them falling apart,
it doesn’t wash away this “anger” that i’ve felt over the weekend.
another inevitable ending, perhaps?

i haven’t touched #fighterskeepfighting for weeks now.
having started out with so many grand ideas and plans for the project,
only to see disappointments one after another.
they say, “one day, you’ll regret the things that you never did, rather than the things you did.”
but that agony of disappointments and failures proves harder to swallow every time.
yet it’ll be such a pity to give up now - especially when i won’t have time when the real academic struggle starts.

on the bright side,
i’ve started preparing myself for university life already.
mentally prepared for the struggles ahead,
yet there’s this adrenaline when i think of the endless possibilities in uni.
dance, productions, academics, exchanges - so much that i wish i can do.
have to constantly remind myself that this isn’t PSLE, this isn’t Os, this isn’t As,
it’s the final hurdle before the biggest challenge of life.
there’ll no doubt be stumbles and hardship,
it’s going to be crazy during the first year, picking up foundation skills that are already mastered by practically three-quarters of the students there.
but there hasn’t been a more important time in my life to work hard for the things i want.
it will be a painful struggle, & a massive weight of expectations and pressure will be on me,
but #fighterskeepfighting.


wish you were here, you’d know all the right things to say.